To Kathy, Love Miles

Dear Kathy (sp?),
Hi! Welcome to Hillcrest High, home of the fightin' dogwood trees! I hope your first day of class has treated you well so far. I know that moving to a new school in a new town can be tough, so I'm here to offer you a friendship - no strings attached! Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Miles Pinkus and I would like - nay - LOVE to be your friend. I have lived in Hillcrest my entire life, and know the names of all the major intersections in town. I also have an extensive knowledge of all our local congressmen and did you know I can also read backwards? Anyway, if you want to be my friend, you can meet me tomorrow by the soda machine at 2:30 - I'll be the guy by the soda machine. LOL!
Hoping for a friend,
Miles

Dear Kathy,
So I couldn't help but notice that you didn't come by the soda machine today...what happened? Did you get lost or get caught in some barbed wire or something? I just can't imagine that you would have skipped...I mean, who wouldn't want a friend? Especially when they're new in town and probably don't have anyone to hang out with. And if you're thinking that I'm a loser, you are totally wrong. I don't need you. I'm just trying to be an upstanding citizen. So don't be such a raging bitch...LOL! Oh wait, I just realized in my other note I said 2:30 - maybe I should have been more specific and said 2:30 PM - gosh, I hope you don't come by at 2:30AM! I will feel like such a goof! But, just in case, I will be at the soda machine at 2:30am if you wanna meet up. I can show you my animal fetus collection! You bring the chex mix!
Living for the moment,
Miles

Dear Kathy,
I have to say that I'm beginning to lose my patience. Two times I've been at that soda machine waiting for you and two times you've disappointed me. Three times and I kill you...LOL! But seriously, where were you? I can only take the fetuses out of the fridge once a month and I just wasted it. So if you want to see them, you're gonna have to come over to my place...oh, why don't we just do that? I'll tell my cousin to make Liver for 3! Yes, I live with my cousin but its only cause my parents were murdered or something. So what'dya say? 7:30PM, my place? Be there or be DEAD! (kidding)
Giving you one more chance,
Miles

Kathy,
Well now you've really gone and done it. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG MY COUSIN SLAVED OVER THAT LIVER FOR YOU!? I'm so mad I could dig up my parents and murder them all over again...JUST JOSHING! but not really. Look, I don't know what I've done to offend you Kathy, but you have NO RIGHT to mess with people's hearts like this. I've been nothing but good to you and all you've done is shit all over me. Are you shy? Is that it? Because I can be very accommodating. If you feel awkward, or like I won't listen to you or make fun of you, let me assure you - I won't. Here, how about this. Tomorrow night, let's meet at the butcher store on Sycamore lane - I interned there last year so I have a key. We can talk this over in privacy.
Also, in anticipation of our conversation, please find attached a severed finger.
Looking forward to our chat,
Miles

Dearest Kathy,
You probably think I'm mad at you for calling the cops on me. I'm not. And I want you to know that that guy was dead before I cut off his finger. Did I murder him? Well that's for 12 of my peers to decide, isn't it? Anyway, I've been thinking it over and I think that I was too hard on you. You were new in town and probably overwhelmed by all the attention! So I'm going to extend an open invitation. If you need someone to talk to, or just have an urge to cut someone, I'm here. Hope you're excelling in class and give the fightin' dogwoods my love!
Yours truly,
Miles