Halloween (For Monsters)

On October 31, 2008 Satan had a costume party. This is how it went down...

10:31pm - Satan (dressed as Screech) puts the finishing touches on his appetizer platter.

10:36pm - There's a knock at the door. It's Frankenstein (dressed as the Joker - how freakin' original). He's embarrassingly early, as usual.

Frankenstein: I brought pigs in a blanket.

Satan: ...thanks.

Frankenstein: Who are you supposed to be? Topher Grace?

Satan: I'm Screech.

Frankenstein: ?

Satan: From 'Saved by the Bell'?

Frankenstein: ?

Satan: Jesus Franky, have you ever watched TV?

Frankenstein: I like that show, Two and Half Men.

Satan: You would. Help yourself to the punch.

11:15pm - The Werewolf (dressed as The Burger King) arrives with The Mummy (dressed as the Stock Market) and The Thing (dressed as Garth Vader, which is essentially a Darth Vader costume with a cowboy hat and an acoustic guitar).

Satan: Hey guys, come on in. LOVE the costumes.

The Thing: I'm ready to get wasted and make a mistake.

Satan: That Burger King costume is genuinely creepy. But I thought you were coming as a Sexy Nurse this year?

Werewolf: I was, but I didn't have enough time to go get a bikini wax.

Mummy: ...awkward....

Werewolf: (stage whisper) Oh god, is that Frankenstein?

Satan: (louder stage whisper) I swear I didn't invite him. He must have overheard at the River Styx mixer.

The Thing: This could mean trouble if "you know who" shows up...

Frankenstein sulks by the punch.

11:42pm - Dracula (dressed as a pencil) arrives with Bride of Frankenstein (dressed as a pencil sharpener).

Satan: Hi guys, come on in! Oh, matching costumes...TOO CUTE!

Dracula pretends to put his pencil in the sharpener. It's awkwardly sexual. From across the room...

The Thing: OMG, can you believe they had the nerve to come here together?

Werewolf: Franky is going to LOSE HIS SHIT.

Frankenstein looks up from his appetizer plate. He sees Dracula, poking Bride of Frankenstein with his pencil. The plate drops to the floor SLOW MOTION STYLE.

Frankenstein: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU PALE, GREASY-HAIRED, BLOODSUCKING BASTARD!

And with that, Frankenstein charges Dracula. But before he makes contact, The Thing smashes Franky in the head with his acoustic guitar. It puts Franky in a momentary haze.

Satan: Woah, woah, woah there. Everybody calm down. Now, this is a party! Let's all try and get along, please?

Mummy: No, Satan. These men need to settle their differences, once and for all. Let them have at it.

The Thing: If you don't, this sort of thing will continue to happen. And it will make our parties SUCK.

Satan twirls his pitchfork as he contemplates.

Satan: Fine. But I want you two to use your fists, not your words.

After a moment...

Frankenstein: Fine.

Dracula: Fine.

12:01am - The two monsters face off. Frankenstein has the height advantage, but Dracula has the grace. Franky rears back, ready to deliver a vicious blow. But before he makes contact...

Bride: WAIT!

Franky stops just short of Dracula's face.

Bride: It's high time I said what needed to be said...

Bride of Frankenstein comes between Dracula and Franky. She tenderly takes Franky's hand.

Bride: Franky, when we were together, it was amazing. I mean, we just connected, you know? But I realized that we just became two different people. I love you, Franky-wanky, but I'm no longer IN love with you.

Frankenstein: But...

Bride of Frankenstein puts her finger up to his lip.

Bride: Shhh. If love something, set it free.

Frankenstein sheds a single tear.

Bride: We'll always have the cemetary...

Frankenstein wets himself.

Mummy: Oh that's unfortunate.

2:36am - All the monsters have left the party. Satan speaks to his parrot.

Satan: Well Beatrice, I think outdid ourselves this year. What do you think?

Beatrice squawks.

Satan: You're right, Beatrice. A bubble bath IS in order!

2:56am - Satan takes a bubble bath. It's...weird.

The End?