Daily Paper Retractions

THE DAILY PAPER RETRACTIONS SECTION

In our ongoing quest to maintain journalistic integrity, the Daily Paper would like to correct some factual errors made in the recent weeks pertaining to several of our breaking stories. The editors of the paper would like to retract the following statements...

On June 30th, we wrote that Abraham Lincoln assassinated John Wilkes Booth during a fraternity Toga party. Oops, we were wrong. Apparently Booth assassinated Lincoln, and it was...somewhere else.

On July 2, we ran an article that attempted to debunk the idea that cats have nine lives. Although we were successful, we engaged in what some group calls "animal cruelty". Sorry guys! :/

On July 6th, we printed the entire paper in wingdings. We apologize for the inconvenience.

On July 7th, no one decided to come in to work...so...there was no news. But we assure you that anything that happened on that day was not really relevant. ...so...whoops.

On July 22nd, our Op Ed columnist urged readers to get out of the house and enjoy the summer by going down to the local "glory hole". He meant to write local "watering hole". The Daily Paper claims no responsibility for subsequent trauma maintained by readers who took his advice.

On July 25th, our weather forecast predicted that the sky would ejaculate. In our defense, it did rain.

On August 1, the letter A on our keyboard didn't work, making most of the paper read like gibberish. Luckily, we had a warranty on the equipment, so its all good now.

On August 11th, we ran an article claiming that arson was good for your skin. Apparently just because you make a statement doesn't mean its true. I realize that now.

On August 23, our Arts and Entertainment editor reviewed the fifth grade production of Robin Hood. Calling it a "theatrical abortion" may have been a little harsh, but they play truly was shit.