I Destroyed Man's Greatest Gift

Tyler was the bane of my existence. He was smarter, funnier, and far more attractive than me. Can you believe he won the Purchase Country Talent Show 3 years in a row (including last year when I successfully burped "Funky Town")?! He was so smooth with the ladies, and you should see him on the dance floor - he's a god damned marvel!

That's why I had to kill him.

It was a crime of passion, really. If I had premeditated it, it wouldn't have gone down like it did. You know how someone will annoy you, and you just keep letting it slide, until, one day, that random thing they do just knocks you off your rocker? Well Tyler did that very thing when he brought Julie home. HE KNEW I LIKED HER! ( I always said she had the prettiest ankles of any girl I knew - she also has a mole that looks like Christian Slater but that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER can o' worms).

I couldn't contain my rage. When Julie excused herself to potty (her words, not mine), I let him have it. First, I Ninja Turtled him right in the eye! Then I Matrixed him all up and down the living room! Finally, I used all my karate knowledge and just went apeshit on his tummy (my words, not his). But the weirdest thing happened - he just took it. It didn't even seem to phase him. And I was using all my deadliest skills too! So I knew I would have to get CIA intense. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher's knife. Tyler just laughed - but the laugh was off. It was like he had a mouth full of gummy bears (which I knew he didn't because he's allergic to GLUTEN).

I was determined that laugh would be his last. Then I would laugh. I would laugh last.

Without hesitation, I drove the knife into his skull. Just then, Julie walked in and she was all like, "OMG, you just knifed Tyler in the head!" And I was like, "Do you want me to knife YOU in the head (I immediately regretted saying that when I gazed upon her curvaceous ankles)"!

ANYHOO

I was like, "Holy shit, I just committed a crime". But then, out of nowhere, a voice came from on high. It was God and he was all like, "No my son, look at his cranium" (I knew it was God because he said Cranium - fancy, as is the way of God). I peered up at his dome and beheld a sight - all these wires and doodads where protruding from the wound!

Tyler Benson WAS A ROBOT.

A dying robot. If you kill a robot, can you get in trouble? As Tyler's robot body began to shut down, I decided it was time to high tail it outta there.

But that's when I heard the sirens!

Shit! The secret service is after me, I just know it! Before I could even grab my shit, those assholes descended upon me like the wrath of God (and I know his wrath - remember how we were just talking?) They just started Steven Segalling me left and right. I was doomed for sure. One of 'em - THE REAL FAT ONE - was like "You just destroyed man's greatest creation". For a second he really got to me. What had I done? But then, when he started giving me the Vulcan death grip, my fight or flight kicked in. I was like BAM! all up on his turkey neck, but it just wasn't enough. This guy was FAT and I was doomed. Just as I started lose consciousness, I saw a beautiful sight. There was a fist sandwich aimed at the fat dude - and the owner of that fist was none other than TYLER, back from the junkpile! POW POW POW and the Fat dude was out.

One late night visit to the shop teacher and Tyler was back in working condish.

My best friend. My worst enemy. A robot.

A Few Words About Nourishment

What is so wrong with vanilla ice cream? Why is vanilla plain? Who decided that? It's a flavor - just like chocolate or rocky road. Honestly, what's the difference between chocolate and vanilla - why is vanilla the nerd? Chocolate is like the misunderstood bad boy from the other side of the tracks - that's such bullshit. Vanilla could be bad too - but instead he decides to work on his calligraphy. Good for vanilla, that's an honest hobby.

FURTHERMORE

I hate when people say that water doesn't taste like anything. Of course it does! It tastes like WATER. If water didn't taste like anything, how would you know you were drinking it, asshole?

AND IN THAT SAME VEIN

Vitamin water? Flavored water? FLAVORED WATER! HELLO! If water has another ingredient, I'm pretty sure it's not water anymore - so let's quit with the misnomers people.


Sincerely yours,

Thomas Jefferson

Time Travel

Time Travel can be such a hassle
Gonna rip the Universe a new asshole

Try not to let it all unravel
but that's what happens when you
TIME TRAVEL