I hate you so much

I hate you so much. It's incredible how much I hate you. I hate you from the top of my head to BELOW my feet. In fact, I hate you from SPACE to the CENTER OF THE EARTH. Scratch that. I hate you from Pluto to China. NO - from the very leftist edge of the universe to the very rightist edge of the universe. If I was Rubberman, I would say, "I hate you THIS much" and then stretch my arms beyond the limits of any mere mortal.

I love how much I hate you. I want to sleep with how much I hate you. Actually, I want to date how much I hate you for several months and then sleep with how much I hate you's sister just to piss you off. I hate you so much that Satan thinks I should see a therapist.

I wish only the worst for you. You know when people say, "I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy"? I want to wrangle all of THOSE things up and wish them on you. If somebody told me you were homeless, desperately alone and disfigured, I'd say, "Well, he isn't being mauled by a bear, is he? He should consider himself lucky".

If this were Ancient Rome, I would ask the various Gods to smite you. Especially the guy with the lightning bolt. Coincidentally, I would also ask him if he wanted to be friends, cause I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to be friends with that guy? He and I would drink a beer and then I would casually suggest that he split you in half with his kung-fu lightning.

I hope you feel my hate. You know how people say that when someone is talking about you that your ears burn? I hope that every time I direct a hateful thought your way one of your hairs falls out. That way, I'll know my job is complete when you're bald and blubbering.
Someone should hold a hate contest because I would win, hands down. And I've never won anything so that would be a plus for me.

I hate you so much it makes me want to commit a hate crime. I hate you so much I subsist only on hater-ade. I'm going to build a roller coaster that requires each rider to hate you THIS much to ride. If I could feed people with my hate, I would solve world hunger. If you looked up HATE in a dictionary, you wouldn't see a picture of me - but only because I don't photograph well.
How do I hate thee? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS. You're so worthless the Bard wouldn't Shake his Speare at you. If your name was Raymond, I would give you a 30 minute sitcom and call it "Everybody HATES Raymond" - it would be non-fiction.

My friends say that if I used this hateful energy to do something productive that I would actually be going somewhere with my life...



I HATE my friends.