Hitting it Off

BAR

Man: Hi there.

Woman: (turns her back to man)

Man: Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: (no response)

Man: I like your shoulder tattoo.

Woman: That's a mole.

Man: I'll see myself out. (man downs the rest of his "Tequila Mockingbird")

BOOKSTORE

Man: Self help, eh?

Woman: (turns back to man)

Man: A can't imagine a woman as beautiful as you needing any "self help"...

Woman: (silence)

Man: I seem to have gotten lost. Do you know where the bodybuilding section is?

Woman: (annoyed sigh)

Man: Do you want to feel my muscle?

Woman: (death stare)

Man: I'll see myself out. (Man Rollerblades away)

AIRPLANE

Man: You can lean over me if you want to see out the window.

Woman: (blank stare)

Man: Are you going to eat your peanuts?

Woman: (puts headphones on)

Man: I'm a tad nippy, could I borrow some of your blanket?

Woman: (ignores)

Man: You know, what happens under the blanket STAYS under the blanket.

Woman: (death stare)

Man: I'll show myself out. (Man jumps out of plane)

HELL

Man: Boy, it sure is hot down here.

Woman: (silently burns)

Man: You know, if you undo the buttons on that sweater you'll get more circulation. Just saying.

Woman: (not amused)

Man: You don't have to be embarrassed. It's not like I haven't seen boobs before.

Woman: (curses man with demonic incantation)

Man: I'll show myself out. (Man joins Hitler at the social mixer)

SPACE

Man: Would you like the rest of my freeze dried ice cream?

Woman: (stares out at the vast emptiness of space)

Man: Suit yourself. How about some Tang?

Woman: (adjusts the compression in her space suit)

Man: You wanna join the 600 miles high club?

Woman: (enters hypersleep in defiance)

Man: I'll take that as a maybe. (man tries to enter hypersleep, but accidentally hit's "hyperspace", sending him light years out of his galaxy)

XENON 9

Man: Back on Earth, I was a king.

Alien: (indecipherable Alien gibberish)

Man: And I had many beautiful women as mistresses.

Alien: (drools)

Man: What I'm trying to say is that I've pleasured many, and would like to continue to do so.

Alien: (covers man in bile shot from its tentacle)

Man: Oh you frisky minx.

Alien: (eats man)

Later, when the Alien sits around with her other Alien friend....

Alien friend: So you ate him?

Alien: Yeah, but he didn't go down well.

Alien friend: Does any man?

Alien: Oh, you are TOO MUCH!

(the aliens toast their martinis)

PRODUCED BY PETER ENGEL

Mystery of the Fincher Mansion (Part I)

Little Jimmy Fincher found himself at the foot of the those stairs again. Every summer, his parents left for an extended vacation in Boca Raton, leaving poor Jimmy to crash at his grandfather's Gothic, dusty old mansion on the outskirts of Boone, North Carolina. Now for most kids, this would be a dream. Hundreds of rooms to explore, and a kitchen and wait staff handy at the drop of a hat. But most kids didn't know the truth about that mansion. The truth that haunts Jimmy every time he shuts his eyes, like it was painted on the back of his eyelids.

Just four steps to the door, and then there's no turning back.

Jimmy picked up his hefty duffel bag and shuffled up the stairs. This year, young Fincher was going to fight back. Face your fears head on. That's what the psychologist on the TV said. That's the only way to conquer them. And that's just what Jimmy was going to do. Just as soon as he got comfortable and spent some quality time with Grandpa Claude. Yikes. Just the mere mention of his name made Jimmy uncomfortable. It wasn't that Claude was evil or mean or even crotchety - he was just...unnerving. He always spoke in a whisper and never looked anyone in the eye, like he was ashamed of something. Jimmy never thought that Claude had any clue what really happened in his old house.. Actually, the thought never occurred to him. But maybe that's the secret that Claude kept. The thing that he wouldn't dare expose - the thing that those weathered grey eyes might give away.

Jimmy opened the great oak door. He was immediately greeted by that old, familiar musk. It's funny how you can smell something, and it will take you right back to the moment you last took in that scent. For Jimmy, it wasn't pleasant.

"Claude?", Jimmy yelled into the foyer. "Grandpa?"

Jimmy's voice echoed into the great hall. This place was like a museum, with great wooden structures and vast open spaces. Jimmy didn't know how old the mansion was exactly, but he did know that it carried with it a lot of history. It was exactly as he had left it.

"Jimmy, my boy, is that you?" Claude limped into the foyer, putting most of his weight onto his magnificent mahogany cane. He called her Jessie - god knows why. "I thought I heard you, you little scamp!" Claude leaned down and tussled Jimmy's golden brown hair. "Come on, let's get your stuff into the kid's room".

Jimmy hated that he still had to stay in the kid's room. He was 12 now, and a room wallpapered with cartoon dinosaurs was no longer appropriate. It was also a little creepy, sleeping with a Tyrannosaurus right over your head - not that Jimmy was scared, Jimmy's not scared of stupid kid stuff like that.

Claude was surprisingly spry and energetic for an 87-year-old. But even so, he was still an old man, and dinner was always at the unbearable hour of 4:30pm. Tonight (if you can call it that), Jimmy would order his favorite - grilled cheese and banana sandwich. But fate had a different plan. Tonight, Jimmy wouldn't make it to dinner at all.

Jimmy dropped his bag in the kids room. He took in the familiar scent - the bookcase, the dresser, the outdated and dusty TV. Did Claude ever have cable? Jimmy couldn't remember the last time he watched television in the mansion. With no A/C, the estate could get pretty stuffy. Jimmy walked over to the window to let in some air. Three valiant pushes later and the window was open. The young boy was greeted by a powerful breeze, strong enough to knock the rail thin boy right on his butt. SLAM! The bedroom door closed behind him. Circulation was the key; if the door was closed, the open window would do little good. Jimmy pulled the knob. No luck. Harder this time. Still no luck.

Suddenly, Jimmy's stomach dropped. He was locked in. Bad things were going to happen.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "It's probably just stuck. I mean, this IS an old house". I don't blame you for thinking such a thing. But you also don't know what I know....and what Jimmy knows.

The room went dark. A rush of wind chilled the room. Jimmy felt very alone. He looked to the closet. Where would it come from? Maybe Would one of the dresser drawers bring him forth? Jimmy prayed it was a false alarm.

But then, from underneath the bed, he saw it slither out....


TO BE CONTINUED.

I Destroyed Man's Greatest Gift

Tyler was the bane of my existence. He was smarter, funnier, and far more attractive than me. Can you believe he won the Purchase Country Talent Show 3 years in a row (including last year when I successfully burped "Funky Town")?! He was so smooth with the ladies, and you should see him on the dance floor - he's a god damned marvel!

That's why I had to kill him.

It was a crime of passion, really. If I had premeditated it, it wouldn't have gone down like it did. You know how someone will annoy you, and you just keep letting it slide, until, one day, that random thing they do just knocks you off your rocker? Well Tyler did that very thing when he brought Julie home. HE KNEW I LIKED HER! ( I always said she had the prettiest ankles of any girl I knew - she also has a mole that looks like Christian Slater but that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER can o' worms).

I couldn't contain my rage. When Julie excused herself to potty (her words, not mine), I let him have it. First, I Ninja Turtled him right in the eye! Then I Matrixed him all up and down the living room! Finally, I used all my karate knowledge and just went apeshit on his tummy (my words, not his). But the weirdest thing happened - he just took it. It didn't even seem to phase him. And I was using all my deadliest skills too! So I knew I would have to get CIA intense. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher's knife. Tyler just laughed - but the laugh was off. It was like he had a mouth full of gummy bears (which I knew he didn't because he's allergic to GLUTEN).

I was determined that laugh would be his last. Then I would laugh. I would laugh last.

Without hesitation, I drove the knife into his skull. Just then, Julie walked in and she was all like, "OMG, you just knifed Tyler in the head!" And I was like, "Do you want me to knife YOU in the head (I immediately regretted saying that when I gazed upon her curvaceous ankles)"!

ANYHOO

I was like, "Holy shit, I just committed a crime". But then, out of nowhere, a voice came from on high. It was God and he was all like, "No my son, look at his cranium" (I knew it was God because he said Cranium - fancy, as is the way of God). I peered up at his dome and beheld a sight - all these wires and doodads where protruding from the wound!

Tyler Benson WAS A ROBOT.

A dying robot. If you kill a robot, can you get in trouble? As Tyler's robot body began to shut down, I decided it was time to high tail it outta there.

But that's when I heard the sirens!

Shit! The secret service is after me, I just know it! Before I could even grab my shit, those assholes descended upon me like the wrath of God (and I know his wrath - remember how we were just talking?) They just started Steven Segalling me left and right. I was doomed for sure. One of 'em - THE REAL FAT ONE - was like "You just destroyed man's greatest creation". For a second he really got to me. What had I done? But then, when he started giving me the Vulcan death grip, my fight or flight kicked in. I was like BAM! all up on his turkey neck, but it just wasn't enough. This guy was FAT and I was doomed. Just as I started lose consciousness, I saw a beautiful sight. There was a fist sandwich aimed at the fat dude - and the owner of that fist was none other than TYLER, back from the junkpile! POW POW POW and the Fat dude was out.

One late night visit to the shop teacher and Tyler was back in working condish.

My best friend. My worst enemy. A robot.

A Few Words About Nourishment

What is so wrong with vanilla ice cream? Why is vanilla plain? Who decided that? It's a flavor - just like chocolate or rocky road. Honestly, what's the difference between chocolate and vanilla - why is vanilla the nerd? Chocolate is like the misunderstood bad boy from the other side of the tracks - that's such bullshit. Vanilla could be bad too - but instead he decides to work on his calligraphy. Good for vanilla, that's an honest hobby.

FURTHERMORE

I hate when people say that water doesn't taste like anything. Of course it does! It tastes like WATER. If water didn't taste like anything, how would you know you were drinking it, asshole?

AND IN THAT SAME VEIN

Vitamin water? Flavored water? FLAVORED WATER! HELLO! If water has another ingredient, I'm pretty sure it's not water anymore - so let's quit with the misnomers people.


Sincerely yours,

Thomas Jefferson

Time Travel

Time Travel can be such a hassle
Gonna rip the Universe a new asshole

Try not to let it all unravel
but that's what happens when you
TIME TRAVEL

The Monster with the Selfish Grin

You said you would love me forever
but forever was more than you cared to endeavor

You said 'til the end of time
I guess you had a different frame of reference in mind

You said we were meant to be
meant to be discarded so selfishly?

You "claimed" that you would be true
but liar's lie - a lesson I just learned from you

So which lie would you have me believe
that all this time, hidden up your sleeve
the you that you inhabit now
was a you I had never seen somehow

and if that's true, then who did I know
The blistering Sun melts away the snow
It's ugly under all that skin
The monster with the selfish grin

What Happened?

Julie had never seen anyone punch a wall before. Jason must have been really angry.


She had to get to the bottom of this.


But first thing's first...



SHOPPING SPREE!